Thursday, July 2, 2009

An espresso by any other name would still taste as bitter

Between 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday, I am your regular disgruntled, disenfranchised office worker. In other words, I like my coffee.

I go through about two or three espressos a day. I like my short blacks. They're simple and uncomplicated. I have no time for super large decaffeinated make-that-a-bit-weaker-still chai lattes with skim soy milk and two pink marshmallows, but in two cups so I don't burn myself 'coffee'. I just want coffee. I didn't say I wanted a birthday cake in liquid form.

So imagine my surprise when I went into a rather famous doughnut chain that prides itself on their coffees, and ordered an espresso. "Yes, but what type of espresso?" I was perplexed. I thought an espresso was an espresso was an espresso. "No, it really depends on what country you're from. It could be a latte, a cappuccino, a mocha, a flat white-" Just pretend we're in Australia and gimme my black coffee! "Will that be a long black or short black-" A short black. "Would you like sugar with that? Or milk? Or marshmallows? Whipped cream?"

No. Just. Give. Me. My. Espresso. For. I. Am. Caffeine. Deprived. Or. Your. Fourteen. Year. Old. Barista. Gets. It.

PS What further infuriates me about said coffee shop is its staff's complete and utter failure at stamping loyalty cards. They don't seem to comprehend that I should get a stamp in the circle numbered '1' on my first cup. And then a stamp in the circle numbered '2' for my second cup, and so on. It seems like they enjoy randomly stamping little doughnut shapes all over my loyalty card, then telling me that I've have already redeemed all my free coffees and am now making up for the ones I have to pay for. What?