Thursday, July 23, 2009

Making People Uncomfortable #3

I currently live in a hell house, ahem, I mean sharehouse. It is horrible. Here are some tips for making your living situation more comfortable by making your flatmates more uncomfortable.

  • Perhaps the term 'sharehouse' makes the other tenants think that everything is for sharing? Tell them you have herpes and they'll never borrow your toothpaste again.
  • Don't just name your milk and butter in the fridge. Write intimidating threats like, "You touch my bread, I touch your boyfriend."
  • Flatmate having an argument with his/her significant other? Have really noisy, kinky sex, and show them how you do it. Sound effects like whips and chains are marvellous. A sex partner is optional.
  • If your flatmate insists on bringing her conservative parents home for dinner every weekend, insist on bringing home your cross-dressing, chain-smoking, foul-mouthed mates for Sunday roast at the same time. Should make for humorous (read: awkward) conversation.
  • If your flatmate starts getting into your cucumber/carrot/other-phallic-shaped-food-product supplies, gasp and go, "Oh, erm, my boyfriend and I, erm, carrot... never mind." Then shudder for effect.
  • Does your flatmate has a habit of watching your DVDs and CDs, but never sticks them back in the case or scratches them? Then try this: Go to an adult store. Have a look at the discounted items section (trust me, they'll have one with all the nasty 70s porn from before people started shaving). Buy the cheapest and nastiest porn you can find, and replace a normal DVD with it. This obviously only works if they are prudes. If they're perverted you may be in a sticky spot, literally.
  • Find out if your flatmate is scared of ghosts...

If you have any other weird and wonderful things you do to your flatmate, please let me know. I have another four months until my lease runs out, which is ample time to try lots of new things.

NB: If you intend on getting jiggy with any friends or relatives of your flatmate, I would not recommend trying out the herpes thing. May backfire.


Mio said...

lol XD nice advice