Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Pimp my luggage

People laugh at me when I travel.

I get super paranoid that my luggage will get stolen so I soup up my luggage. Here are instructions on how you too can 'uglify' your baggage and ensure that your valuable tourist souvenirs don't get nicked:

  1. Fuck all that Louis Vuitton shit. The uglier the bag to begin with, the better. I'm talking really loud prints and if there are words printed in the design, awesome! If the words are in Engrish, you're really set for luggage success.
  2. Don't bother with locks. Have you heard about something called a bolt cutter? Or the fact that most airport security will have a gazillion skeleton keys, and can open your bag easily anyway? I just put one of those key ring things through the opening - they are so irritating to get off that they'll just give up.
  3. Accessorise. Old ties. Scarves. Lace. Try to make your luggage look like a eighties teenager.
  4. On an A4 sheet of paper, write your surname in bold texta, and then your contact details in biro (same as a luggage tag, you want your contact info available but not easily seen by the airport bar pervert twenty metres away).
  5. Duct tape the paper to your bag. And then duct tape the rest of your bag. Everywhere. Coloured duct tape for the win.

It'll work because no one with any dignity would be caught dead carrying this abomination of luggage, and if they do you'll spot your bondage-hot-pink-with-glitter-and-duct-tape luggage from a mile away.

Warning: losing all self-respect is necessary.