Wednesday, February 17, 2010

6 ways to make an "epic" film like Avatar

  1. Write a terrible screenplay with every cliche in the book and really obvious names. Come on, like we expect them to get this "unobtanium".
  2. Make the lead character a brash, naive fellow and an intelligent, strong female who will for some unknown reason fall for him.
  3. Hire cocky, relatively unknown actors (acting skills and good looks not needed) as the leads so you can be called responsible for their big break.
  4. Make it three hours long. People equate boring and long with epic, oddly enough.
  5. Disguise the terrible acting and poor plot with lots of explosions and 3D.
  6. Have a happy ending, but make sure someone dies. Film goers of lower intelligence feel that a main character must die otherwise it won't be epic.

Avatar is bad. It is horrible. It is shit. I guessed the ending about 40 minutes in. It bored me to tears and made me want to vomit, and let me assure you that wasn't nausea related to the 3D glasses. If I wanted to watch Pocahontas again, I would have borrowed it from the video library. And put blue cellophane over my telly.

Here's the thing - so many people have said things like, "Yeah, it's not the best story... but wow! It's so pretty! And colourful! And the computer graphics!" Okay, so it's true that the graphics are far better than anything I've seen on Frogger or Pac-Man. But I am the proud owner of a brain, a need a little more mental stimulation than giant blue men and trees that fucking light up. No amount of CG can disguise a bad script, plot holes and terrible acting. It seems like nowadays, the only thing that filmmakers have to do to get their film called "epic" is to make it 3 hours long and a massive budget. I'm sorry James Cameron, but you've lost it.

Enjoy the essay below.

Photo credit: (I have no idea where the image is from originally, but do not mean to infringe on any copyright law and do not claim to own this image.


James said...

The film is technically pioneering. It will change cinema, for the good or bad I don't know but it is definitely a money making tool.
James Cameron is described as a scientist/film maker and he is the epitome of what Hollywood has created, his films aren’t overly complex but deliver what the mainstream audience wants and make loads of money (Top two highest grossing films ever!)

3D has always been used as the cinema’s cavalry brought in to help "save" the box office. Originally against TV in the 1950s and now against the DVD, home entertainment system and piracy trends.

I do agree Avatar lacks story and plot probably the worse of all his films. Once they combine the technology and the story then they might have a decent film.

you should also be pleased to hear that a sequel is imminent.

figgers said...

i must say i am stoked about hearing there will be an avatar sequel.
Purely because i know it will piss off paige and dave immensely.

If you were bored 40 mins in, you could have walked out and gotten your money back. Simple as that.