- Write a terrible screenplay with every cliche in the book and really obvious names. Come on, like we expect them to get this "unobtanium".
- Make the lead character a brash, naive fellow and an intelligent, strong female who will for some unknown reason fall for him.
- Hire cocky, relatively unknown actors (acting skills and good looks not needed) as the leads so you can be called responsible for their big break.
- Make it three hours long. People equate boring and long with epic, oddly enough.
- Disguise the terrible acting and poor plot with lots of explosions and 3D.
- Have a happy ending, but make sure someone dies. Film goers of lower intelligence feel that a main character must die otherwise it won't be epic.
Avatar is bad. It is horrible. It is shit. I guessed the ending about 40 minutes in. It bored me to tears and made me want to vomit, and let me assure you that wasn't nausea related to the 3D glasses. If I wanted to watch Pocahontas again, I would have borrowed it from the video library. And put blue cellophane over my telly.
Here's the thing - so many people have said things like, "Yeah, it's not the best story... but wow! It's so pretty! And colourful! And the computer graphics!" Okay, so it's true that the graphics are far better than anything I've seen on Frogger or Pac-Man. But I am the proud owner of a brain, a need a little more mental stimulation than giant blue men and trees that fucking light up. No amount of CG can disguise a bad script, plot holes and terrible acting. It seems like nowadays, the only thing that filmmakers have to do to get their film called "epic" is to make it 3 hours long and a massive budget. I'm sorry James Cameron, but you've lost it.
Enjoy the essay below.
Photo credit: http://www.slashfilm.com/wp/wp-content/images/zz4b70bcca.jpg (I have no idea where the image is from originally, but do not mean to infringe on any copyright law and do not claim to own this image.