Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Thank fuck I'm not a vampire...

As a teenager, I was one of those New Age types. I even charged money at a fair doing palm readings, numerology, astrology and graphology (analysing handwriting and drawings), and according to my happy customers I was rather accurate. Why you would charge someone money to tell you about your personality that you are already well aware of? I have no idea. But I was impressionable and touchy feely and thought it was real.

Then I completed my Bachelor of Psychology at uni, and had all the life sucked out of me. No one tells you this when you enrol, but all psych is is pretty much calculating the statistical likelihood of treatments working, and writing lifeless shit like, "There is a 95% probability that treatment X is no different to treatment Y on item Z." Doing science kills all spirituality. Now I know why the Vatican get all hot and bothered under their vestigial tabs (you know, those little cut-out things on their collar) when anyone mentions science.

So I finished my degree with a testamur (now collecting mould in my cupboard), some fancy letters that I can theoretically put beside my name (if I want to sound like a complete wanky fuckwit) and a cynical view of everything in the world. Some might say that I'm worse off.

All these years of testing the effects of various treatments on the human brain or behavioural output has made me a hardcore cynic. So when my boyfriend recently suggested that I eat raw garlic to get over my cough, I wasn't too sure. He absolutely swears on it, and I don't mean swallowing it whole or hiding it amongst food. I mean in a "here's a clove of garlic, watch me chew it slowly and masochistically" kind of way. But another three people suggested it to me, so I figured I might as well give it a go.

The result? I'm still utterly sick, oozing illness out of every pore. And my breath reeks. And because Coles only sold garlic in four-packs, I have three whole garlic things sitting in my kitchen. I would almost say that at least I'll repel vampires, except I don't believe in the supernatural anymore...

I actually researched raw garlic... apparently it's good for acne. And for damaging your digestive tract. How wonderful. And apparently, you're meant to use rather small amounts of raw garlic. I also apparently seem to be using the word "apparently" far too much.