Monday, July 12, 2010

ManBearPig

Just because I wear a cape at work (it's really cute, I promise) doesn't mean that I'm a superhero. I'm not the retail salesgirl of your dreams who'll do your laundry, walk your dog and buy your grandmother flowers. Here are some of the really, really fucking bizarre requests that some customers make:

  • A woman came in with a Sherlock Holmes cape she had bought, and apparently it was missing a button. I then pointed out that all our capes come with spare buttons, and she vehemently denied receiving any spare buttons. So I gave her a spare button and waited for her to leave, which she didn't. She thought that a missing button meant she could have an entirely new cape.
  • A man came in several times, claiming that his mother had left her pyjamas (which he had photos of on his phone for some reason) in our store two days ago. I insisted that we didn't have any and that no one had brought any to our attention, and then pointed him in the direction of Centre Management. He then came back in two more times in an hour, showing me the photos again like it would jog my memory. Then asked if I spoke Mandarin. Then he wanted to give me his number. I see...
  • An older lady came and tried on a skirt and deliberated in front of the mirror for about twenty minutes because she didn't think it was very flattering. She left the store without anything... then came back five minutes later to pick up the exact same skirt that she had put on layby two days earlier. If that wasn't weird enough, she insisted that I steam the skirt despite claiming that she had a clothes steamer at home. I gave her the freshly steamed, slightly damp skirt and instructed her to hold it straight instead of folding it (because folding it damp would just crease it again) and she became incensed. "People will think I've shop lifted this!!!" she claimed. Never mind the bag, the receipt and the fact that people really don't give a fuck.
  • A weird, drugged-up lady came in, and within seconds of seeing me claimed that she wanted to buy my outfit (or rather the same outfit from the rack). Never mind trying it on, she wanted it. I guess it's true, you can really sell the clothes off your back.
  • A horridly bogan, middle-aged woman came into our store, and tried on about twenty pairs of earrings. Both the other salesgirl and myself repeated told her not to, to which she apologised... but continued to try more on. I reminded her again, citing the health of our other customers and she literally hurled a pair of me and growled, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE???" Surely she has enough imagination to be able to envisage what they look like by holding them up to her ears?
So if you ever walk into my store and see me in my cape, please imagine me more like the cape-wearing Al Gore in South Park than like Superman. I really don't give a fuck unless you are ManBearPig. Excelsior!


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