Tuesday, July 6, 2010

That blows...

It's pretty awesome when the apartment/house/building structure/abode next to you is vacant. No obnoxious neighbours having noisy sex. No dogs barking at six in the morning. No random smells of really terrible cooking. No one rudely rummaging through your mail, because they swear you have their mail. No sneaky bastards stuffing their gross bags of trash (leaking garbage juice) into your green bin.

Then the dreaded moment happens. The property goes up for sale. There's a lovely, inviting billboard outside, with pictures spelling out other people's potential life of having noisy sex, having their poodles yapping at all hours and shoving their trash into your bins. Trust me, one person's trash is quite often another person's trash too.

So what do you do? No more morning bliss of walking around naked with the blinds wide open? Well, I've got a solution for you.

Buy one of those fucking irritating, infernal, mind-gratingly loud vuvuzelas. They're on sale everywhere with the FIFA World Cup on at the moment. Find out when there's an auction or an open house. Practice your blowing skills. Quit smoking to improve the quality of your breathing if you have to. Then when the auctioneer is trying to rile up people into credit-debt frenzies, blow your hardest.

When the property remains vacant for another six months, drop me a thank you note.