Wednesday, November 17, 2010

How to commit a crime

Hello, thieves, burglars, robbers and generally-just-plain-unsavoury people: Here's a new method to commit crime that you can add to your naughty handbook.

  1. Look up rental properties that are open for inspection in expensive areas, particularly ones with expensive rents in posh neighbourhoods with the keys waiting (alluringly) just at the real estate office.
  2. Dress up nicely, and look the part. Carry a folder with a pen and a few rental listings printed out. Turning up in a stripes like the Hamburglar and armed with a crowbar is not advised. Repeat: not advised.
  3. Ask to inspect the property. Hand over your drivers license (preferably one you stole from a lookalike or a fake) and the $50 bond money happily, but complain about the weather and having to move house. Don't do anything to make yourself stand out as particularly nice, good, bad, dodgy or special.
  4. Instead of inspecting the property, head over to a locksmith and get them to make a copy of the keys. Be sure to remove all the key chains from the real estate agency so the locksmith isn't suspicious, and if you want brownie points put them onto a personal looking keyring like you've used these keys forever.
  5. If the locksmith wants to make small talk, pretend you're getting the keys cut for your boyfriend/girlfriend and talk about the weather.
  6. Clean off the original keys in case there is any residue from being cut, and reattach it to the real estate's keyring.
  7. Return the keys within 40 minutes if possible. Be polite and just tell the receptionist that it wasn't really suitable and remember to pick up your bond and drivers license so they don't remember you as "that douche that left their stuff here".
  8. Wait 3 months, then monitor the property to see when people come and go. 
  9. Figure out the best time of day to rob the property, then go rob it. Using the front door. Yeah.
* NB: I'm not actually encouraging people to rob other people. I'm encouraging renters to change their locks.
NBBBBB: If you break into someone's property, you're a pretty scummy person.